I was in the library when the second earthquake rolled through. I really had nowhere to go as the ground rumbled and rolled and the shelves started falling, spitting books onto me. I grabbed a couch cushion and strapped it over my head as my father appeared and beckoned me to follow him. My mother was waiting outside, she wanted to go to a movie. I had some coupons but they were for the other day and I didn’t have any for the current day.
I’d recently discovered that not only is a woman’s uterus a fantastic baby-holder, when not in use, it also prints coupons. I said I could probably get some new coupons but I’d need a little privacy.
As I moved towards the bathroom, I heard a kerfluffle. Morrissey was hollaring at a young woman, brandishing some papers in his hand and squawking that he could absolutely NOT accept the coupons she’d given him because they had come from her vagina and that is absolutely disgusting.
I calmly informed him that the coupons he held do not come directly from the vagina— you have to use the code on the vagina coupons to print out the actual vendor-accepted coupons, such as the papers he was holding. Those have the barcodes. “I mean, look at all that paper! That all can’t come out of a vagina! Don’t be ridiculous. Just because you’re squicky about vaginas doesn’t mean they’re bad. They are excellent printers.” Morrissey looked angry, tossed the papers away and started huffing off down the street. I followed behind him, mockingly singing “This Charming Man” at him until I realized I really didn’t know the lyrics all that well, which just ended up being embarrassing for both of us.
